My dad passed away from suicide

My dad passed away from suicide when I was initially 14 years old. I was the one to look for him. I suffered for many years together with depression of my own and also what I felt was the humiliation of having a parent who committed suicide.

Clinging in order to relationship after relationship and, at the same time, abandoning friends before they could depart me, I spent years battling inwardly timberline shingles while on the surface making it appear that everything was fine. Controlling my emotions, people pleasing, together with a feeling of shame created physical problems for me such as migraines, high blood pressure, and acne.

Suicide has such a judgment to it in our society that, through my perspective, it would have been a totally different situation if my dad perished from a heart attack or cancer. My spouse and i spent years holding a animosity towards him for his suicide and also the depression and moodiness that I consistently was surrounded by as a child.

I am now in my 30's and no much longer feel the animosity or sadness that I felt for years about his suicide. I can't really say that it even bothers me so much anymore and i also have very loving feelings in the direction of my dad. What's great is that you do not have to spend 20 years hurting like I have before you begin to heal. The process of recovery can begin today, in this very point in time.

One of the first areas to start with is forgiveness. I wouldn't even call it forgiveness, but something much more powerful, compassion.

When I really looked at the situation and realized just how much pain my dad is at, how he suffered in his years as a child, and ultimately could not escape typically the madness of his mind, I believe a sense of deep love and consideration for him. He was simply doing it best that he could have at the time using what he knew. If he realized better, he would've acted in a different way.

What he did wasn't personal against me or anyone else. He was in so much pain and experienced that there was no other way out. When I came to that awareness, my wrath began to fade away, and love and compassion for him took over.

Also i stopped seeing myself as a prey and a victim of circumstance. I had this through the letting go in the preconceived notions that I had regarding myself, the story. I thought for too long that I was my story, which i was my past, that I seemed to be my fears, that I was all those things that happened in my life. In fact, some of those are all just a collection of experiences that make up a life situation.

They aren't really who I am in my legitimate essence, which is something much more keen than anything anyone of us could ever imagine. The more that I accepted myself as a soul, as a spiritual getting, and the more that I began to observe myself as something grander than any life story, a giving up took place. A surrendering to what is, to what was, and to what will are available, set me free.

I surrendered to all that had happened around me involving my dad, his depression, and ultimate suicide. For so long, I just insisted that it should not have occurred, of which things should have been different, and am am a victim because of that. Really? Is that true? Things happened the way that they happened and me personally trying to change that, or similar to it should have been otherwise only causes more suffering for me.

Acceptance regarding his suicide helped me to discover genuine freedom. Acceptance doesn't mean that all of us necessarily condone things, but that people stop telling ourselves that the past should be different than what it was.

I got no longer an ashamed little girl using this type of victim story. I am a beautiful soul who is on this earth at this time with a purpose. We all are, every single one of us. We have just forgotten this and still have gotten a little sidetracked.

When you begin to watch yourself and others in this way, compassion your kids is much more possible. After my father's death, I made an internal choice to never talk about it as much as I could help it. I eventually performed start talking about it, though, about 15 years later.

It has been truly healing for me to see my father in this particular new, more compassionate light. I find myself as though I have a new friend on the other side and all is forgiven. On a deeper level, there is nothing to forgive for the reason that we are all doing the best we can using what we know. When I put myself straight into his shoes, I can honestly declare I understand, and it is okay.